1. "Don't bathe immediately after eating."
Thank you Anita for reminding me of this one! Somehow, lying prostrate in tub of H2O immediately following a meal will result in...indigestion, which will result in death of course.
2. "Don't run or jump around after a meal or you'll get appendicitis."
My mum told me that big movements after a meal will make the food in your intestine FALL into your appendix where it will rot, thus causing it to explode resulting in...death. She was deadly serious about this and gave really graphic descriptions of the outcome. I was so
Truth: in 2nd year university, a friend of mine had appendicitis and my first question upon seeing her was "were you jumping around after eating?"
3. "Don't sit too close to the TV or you'll go blind."
Also applies to looking too long at the computer screen or reading books held too close to your eyes. Unless said book is your medical/law/accountancy textbook, if so, you'll have to read it even if your electricity has gone out and all you have is a lone candle. Mummy and daddy will buy you a Braille version when you go blind.
4. "You are _____(good thing) because you take after me."
Cos like Fergie, you got it from yo mama. If you're tall, thin, fair and beautiful, it's because your Asian parents bestowed you with their faultless genetics. If you've got kinky hair, stumpy legs, pimples and a tiny bit of happy fat, they don't know where you came from, the hospital must've pulled a fast switcheroo when their perfect child was born.
5. "You are _____(bad thing) because you learnt it somewhere!"
That is because Asian parents have no bad habits. End of discussion.
6. "Don't shake your legs or you'll be poor."
There was a proverb thing that went with this, something like "Human sway fortune thin, Tree sway leaves fall". When I see people shaking their legs in public transport, I really want to walk up to them and tell them to stop shaking or their fortune will get thin.
7."Don't poke your bellybutton or you'll have diarrhoea."
It will be painful and...explosive...
8. "Tampons will break your virginity."
Only said to girls for obvious reasons. If you use tampons, you won't be a virgin any more and the Harvard graduate doctor won't marry you. I don't even know where the reasoning for this one came from, but chances are if you're Asian, your parents DID NOT give you the birds and the bees talk any way so you wouldn't have had the chance to ask.
9. "Did you greet auntie and uncle?"
This dreaded phrase. This bane of my existence. The embarrassment associated with these simple words can only be understood by another Asian child who has been subjected to this cruel and inhuman punishment. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't the the initiative in greeting people, it's just that my mother will ALWAYS beat me to the punch line!There'll be times when I'm just opening up my mouth to vocalise my greeting, she would've uttered those dratted words already. It's like a race, to embarrass me.
It doesn't help that majority of the time, we have no idea who the person we're greeting actually is. Are we really expected to know the wife of the 4th uncle of my cousin twice removed who recently graduated from Harvard medicine and has just married a lawyer who graduated from Cambridge?
The conversation usually goes like this:
Mum: "Did you say hello to auntie and uncle yet ah?!"
ADULT offspring: "When I arrived."
Mum: "Didn't hear, say so softly like mosquito ga"
ADULT offspring: "...I said it already."
Mum: "Say again la, say loudly, Uncle is old and cannot hear so good, you say so softly."
ADULT offspring: *finds nearest man hole and jumps in*
The whole time, the person you're suppose to greet will watch you unwaveringly and expectantly...
Hi, my name is Nunu, I am 26yrs old and my mum tells me to greet people.
10. "Did you eat yet?"
Even if you come home at 11:30PM, your Asian mum will ask you this question. If you reply in the affirmative, she will then proceed to make you give her a run down on precisely what it was that you ate. Regardless of the answer, she will tut, get up and bring you a bowl of soup that's been simmering since 5:00AM to supplement your "un-nutritious" meal.
Asian parents, you can't live with them, you can't live without them.