- "Giving birth to a piece of char siu is better than giving birth to you."
This is because if she'd given birth to a piece of glazed BBQ pork she could at least eat it and be full.
P.S. Running away from the chicken feather duster only results in being hit harder for longer.
- Confirming the fact that you look bad/fat/did something stupid.
Come home looking like crap after a month of exams? Forget about making you feel better, you can count on your Asian mum to comment on how big your pimples are, how dark your panda eyes are and how chubby you've become. After 30mins of this, they will shove enough food to feed an African village in your face and declare that you've been starved.
- "You study so much and you don't know what this means?"
As far as Asian parents are concerned, the fact that you went to school means you should be all knowing. What do you mean you don't understand what's on their medical prescription form? What did you go to school for? If I had the privilege to study as much as you did, I would understand this!
My grandmother tries to bargain inside DEPARTMENT STORES. The extra cringe factor comes when I tell you she does this in Chinese in a Western department store ToT.
- "Why are you always comparing yourself with the worst?"
Said when you tell them 60% of the class failed the Stats exam that you scraped by in. This is usually accompanied by...
- ...Chinese Proverbs.
Getting scolded is 100 times worse when its done through Confucian sayings.
- Repeating things. Ad infinitum.
You know the pain of this one. My mum is STILL telling people the story of how I peed my bed one night when I was 7. (I dreamt I went to the toilet ok??!! Gees!) If they're not repeating age old yore to embarrass you, they're repeating things 20 times over to "remind" you to do or refrain from doing something.
- Scare tactics.
This is the Asian parents' form of reverse psychology. Scare tactics always contain "facts" which your parents will quote to you in order to "substantiate" their claims. All scare tactic scenarios end with gruesome and painful death or whatever other terror they've succeeded in creating in your fragile young mind. These "facts" are either, complete and utter BS that your Asian parents dreamed up, used with permission from other Asian parents, or were recently published in the Asian newspaper (see below)
- Quoting from the Asian newspaper.
Anything published in an Asian newspaper might as well have been chiselled on a mountain onto two stone tablets. Do not dispute with the Asian newspaper. They form part of the reference list of "facts" and will be whipped out whenever the need for scare tactics or "suggestions" (in other words, orders which must be followed) arises. My parents still don't own a microwave because they read that they leak radiation, my dad refuses to do any form of online banking or even use the ATM for fear of "hackers", and you should stop eating sushi because someone in the newspaper had their brains sucked out by a worm after eating sushi.
- And lastly because it's so true:
I hope you all understand that this series of posts weren't meant to be racist or disrespectful. I adore Asian parents. I have two of them myself and I love them despite their crazies.