Asianic Parentis, The Asian Parent, the evolved and final form of all Asian adults. If you're lucky enough, and your Asian parent left the motherland long ago, or better yet, was born in a Western country, you might not have been submitted to most of these pearls of wisdom.
1.
"If you drink Coke, you will cough."
I don't know how this one came about. At some point I asked my mom why drinking Coke (or any soda for that matter) will make me cough. She mumbled something about the high sugar content giving you phlegm and the fact that it's cold. She then gave me stank eye along with "I only tell you because I love you, if you don't want to listen then forget it" cue a lecture on how she "sacrificed so much for me", how they were working from the age of 6, etc etc etc.
2. "Don't sit on warm public seat"
My grandmother and my aunts are inevitably armed with folded newspapers every time we have to take public transport. Whenever a seat frees up on the bus, they'll swoop upon it, unfold their paper, fan the seat for a few seconds, lay the paper over the seat and then proceed to sit on top of it. When I asked why they did this, they said it's to "keep out the previous person's bum breath." Yes they really said that.
This saying is in direct contravention with...
3.
"Don't sit on cold surface"
I have yet to figure out the reasoning behind this one. No one has yet been able to give me a straight answer. I suspect it has something to do with infertility due to your hoo ha being in contact with a cold surface.
4.
"Don't sleep with fan on"
Also known as "fan death". Sleeping facing a fan means certain death of the sleeping person. If pressed for proof of this phenomenon, they will loudly proclaim that it happened to the daughter of the aunt of the friend of Mrs. Chan.
5.
"If you eat chocolate (or any junk food for that matter) you will grow pimples."
This is because chocolate, and all junk foods are "yeet hay" (hot air) and this in turn will cause pimples. The only counter action is this is to drink copious amounts of "leung cha" (cool tea). Don't let the name fool you, this "cool tea" has no correlation whatsoever to your Lipton Iced Tea, it's made out of eye of newt, and toe of frog, along with insect larvae, centipedes, dead skin scrubbed from the back of an elephant with 6 legs and I don't want to know what else. You'll smell it from a block away and the smell lingers for weeks. Only when you drink it will you realise that the horrid smell does not compare with the vile taste.
6. "If you don't exercise, you won't grow taller."
As a result of this threat, I used to be on the track team and swam daily. When I asked my parents why I'm still the size and shape of a teapot, they said it's because I was a picky eater. This is in direct contravention of their claims that I eat so much that I'll fat "to death". My mum also tuts and sighs at me whenever I wear jeans claiming that I exercised too much as a child and therefore have tree trunks for thighs -__-"
7. "____to death!"
The gruesome end to any undesired physical activity. Wear brand new pair of heels? "Wear those will PK to death!" eat 1 more chicken wing? "Will fat to death!" Wear shorts outside in Spring? "Will cold to death!"
I wonder if we can argue that if they use the chicken feather duster on us, we'll hurt "to death".
8. "If expose bellybutton, will catch a cold."
Usually expressed this way, "Don't expose bellybutton, will catch cold to death."
9. "If sneeze, must put on clothes."
It doesn't matter if it's mid summer in Africa and you're sitting inside a sauna. If you sneeze, you must put a jacket on. Otherwise you will catch a cold "to death".
10. "I hit you because I love you."
Said while they're gleefully swinging down the chicken feather duster with the cracked bamboo handle onto your buck naked bum. In public.
In addition to these, my mother also used to come up with the oddest "facts" that she made me believe until I was well into my adulthood. Things such as "drink this and you'll be prettier/taller/thinner", and "if you have a stomach ache, your stomach will feel cold, you must rub it with this *cue Chinese medicated oil which smells suspiciously of menthol* until your stomach heats up, then you'll be better." and "if you sleep with wet hair, you'll have migraines later on in life (Thanks to Superwoolu and Swtexcape for reminding me of this one!). She also kept the local supermarket pretty well informed of when I had my period and does not believe in the existence of dinosaurs.
Despite the decades of trauma and embarrassment, I do love my Asian parents, they brought me up to be a reasonably well balanced individual who respects her elders and loves her veggies.
For sure in my teenage years, I found life with them...frustrating...to say the least, now they are an endless source of amusement - how can you not laugh when your mother replies that she sees "trees" in front of her when she's lost and you ask her what landmarks does she see?
Omg, I must be turning into an Asian parent!
